Horrible, Horrible Night

Have you ever just had one of those days where everything was great, but then it went downhill and it went downhill fast?

That was my night.

I’m not a crier, it’s always been difficult for me to express my emotions.

I cried six times tonight.

Over petty stuff, yes. But you know what? It was big stuff to me. However, looking back it’s not that big of a deal.

It was just a horrid night at work, and some people were really mean to me. But it’s whatever, it’s over, tomorrow is a new day. I realized something tonight.

I’m a huge emotional eater.

Now, realizing that at 20? Shouldn’t I have known that earlier in life? No, because this is the most stress I’ve been under ever. I discovered tonight that I suffer from occupational burnout. Very much so. I work in a stressful job, dealing with stressful people, with a terribly negative self esteem, feeling underappreciated, overworked, and exhausted. I honestly do not like the person who I am at my job. Normally, I’m a compassionate, caring, and giving being. At work, I’m cynical, pessimistic, and just not fun to be around. And then there’s stress eating.

….

Yeah. It’s bad. I’m all fine when I’m in control of the situation. But the second I lose control, or someone is mean to me, I lose it all. I’m stuffing fries into my face, I’m drowning my sorrows in ice cream. Why? Because I’m punishing myself for losing control. In my mind, the only way to regain control is to eat. That’s how I control the situation. And in those few seconds, it seems worth it. It’s twisted, trust me I know. Then I gain weight from my lack of control, which makes me depressed, which adds to my stress. Ugh, I just don’t know how to stop it. Which bothers me to no extent. I hate being an emotional eater. I hate stress. And it’s getting to the point where I hate my job.

I just don’t even know.

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