(Warning, semi-lengthy post)
I am not using this blog correctly.
Instead of keeping a positive, upbeat blog documenting my journey into health and fitness, it has turned into a negative, self (and other) hate, complaint blog. That was not my intention at all when I created this blog. And it is all my fault.
In order for my blog to reflect a positive self image, it had to start with me. I’m honestly obsessed with my appearance. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m obsessed with the way others view me, because I want everyone to like me. Which is impossible, but hey, I wanted to try. I have been focusing too much on outward beauty that I have forgotten about inner beauty. Through my pursuit of creating the “perfect” Anna, I have lost part of the real me. I’m sure it’s still there, it’s just buried under a layer of ice that is self-hate, negativity, and vanity. How to melt that? By embracing myself, loving my flaws when I want to hate them, and being positive.
It’s hard to do that when we live in a society focused on outward beauty. Tearing people apart for looking a certain way, for not being tan enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, wearing the right clothes, having a certain color hair or eyes. In reality, why does that matter?
I also believe through the pursuit of looking “perfect” our society has put an emphasis on losing weight. Nothing wrong with weight loss in itself, however for some people it can turn obsessive and that’s all they focus on.
Hello, I am one of those “some people”.
I have been trying to lose weight for most of my adolescent and adult life. There are times I say “Screw it.” and eat whatever the heck I want. And there are times that I eat nothing. Both are bad. I have yet to find a balance for myself. I believe one day I will be able to eat good foods that are good for me. That day isn’t here yet, and I think it’s because I’m obsessed with being skinny. “I should eat that apple, but I don’t want to spend 55 calories on it. Guess I’ll have that 300 calorie cookie instead.”
Anna logic, my friends. It makes no sense.
Basically, food and I just don’t get along. I’m obsessed with it, and am always looking for ways to cut calories. Why? I don’t know, I really do need them. My body is starved for nutrients. (Poor body, I really do love you, I promise.)
I went out on a run today with all of that on my mind. The only reason I decided to “run” (I use quotes because I walked, and then ran, and then walked. The only shape I’m in is round. Okay, more like pear. But it’s whatever.) was because today is National Running Day. And I have been wanting to become a runner, to achieve this runner’s high and feel better about life and stuff. I was discouraged about my weight loss, my current diet, my lack of exercise, and how I’ve just been feeling crappy in general. I was listening to showtunes and some of my workout playlist when this little jam came on.
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that that song is my jam. (Okay, maybe not. But I do enjoy it.) I got to thinking “What makes me beautiful?” And I don’t think it’s because I smile at the ground or don’t know I’m beautiful. I’m also pretty sure that I don’t light up anyone’s world like nobody else. However, my hair flips are fabulous.
So, in my pursuit of rediscovering the part of myself that I have misplaced, I decided to make “What Makes You Beautiful Wednesdays”. Where I will list five things that make me beautiful. It could be whatever. Preferably inner beauty, but hey if I created a great outfit over the week then shoot, why not list that? If I was able to run a full mile without dying, then that’s something that made me feel beautiful. Achievements, inner beauty, whatever.
What Makes You Beautiful Wednesdays
– The fact that I got up to run (okay, walk) in the rain when my couch, puppy, blanket, and computer sounded a lot better.
– My compassionate heart.
– My determination.
– How I get excited easily.
– How I name most things. (Childish, yes. Silly, yes. But I enjoy that some important things have names.)
I don’t want to sound vain or arrogant, or anything like that. I’m just attempting to stop being so negative about myself, and focus on the positive qualities that I have. I encourage anyone who is struggling with self-image to do this as well. It’s a challenge, but I’m hoping that it will help me embrace who I am, flaws, quirks, cellulite and all.
I also hope that I’m not stealing anyone’s idea and claiming it for my own, I thought of it during my walk/run, and thought it would be a good exercise for me to do.
I hope everyone has a great day! 🙂